Many years ago, I had a crush on a boy named Nicholas. In kindergarten, Nicholas and I would race on little red bikes in the play yard. In fourth grade, he intentionally snapped a pencil in half so I, of course, put a pencil to my knee and snapped it. At the time, I didn’t really understand what it meant when I told my friends that I “liked” Nicholas. He had nice shaggy brown hair and was kind of funny so I selected him as the boy I would chase after until I got tired of him. There was an unspoken rule that everyone was required to have a crush, and anyone who claimed they didn’t was lying.

Now fast forward to the present, where my peers have gone from crushing to dating. My social media feed is now filled with girlfriend appreciation posts and engagement photos. And occasionally I will see a black and white picture of a person with an entire cake in front of them accompanied by the caption, “When you don’t have a boyfriend…”

But there is another species of humans! They are the happy single people.  Perhaps the childhood idea that “everyone has to have a crush” makes it’s way into young adulthood because many people have a hard time believing these individuals exist. As a result, happy single people are faced with many awkward, humorous, and sometimes frustrating encounters. Here are just a few. 

Well-meaning friends playing Cupid 

We all have that friend who considers themselves a professional matchmaker. And although we’ve shared that we’re not actively looking for a relationship, that doesn’t hinder them from planning out every aspect of our romantic futures. Those friends often sound like this: So. I met this guy named Larry and I’m pretty sure you guys were made for each other. He was standing in front of me at Save Mart and he was buying dark chocolate and a loaf of bread. And I was like… oh my goodness you LOVE dark chocolate AND bread! I saw his name on his credit card and found him on Instagram and guess what…. he has a DOG!!! Don’t you love dogs??? So anyways, I messaged him, gave him your number, and you guys are meeting for dinner Tuesday! 

“But you’re so cute!” 

*person briefly mentions that they’re single* Other person in conversation:“But you’re amazing!! And so cute! How is this possible?”  Wait, what? So a person’s amazingness and attractiveness is contingent on their relationship status?? 

People acting as though singleness is a lonely and sad state 

The word “single” suggests that a person is alone simply because he or she is not in a romantic relationship.  It doesn’t matter if a person has friends, parents, or siblings they love doing life with. A person’s happiness is dependent on that “special someone”. Therefore, a period of singleness should be kept as brief as possible. If one is not in a relationship, they should be looking for one.

Although these scenarios are exaggerated, I’ve been guilty of and experienced each of them to an extent. Many of us act as though the life of a single person is incomplete and mundane. Nobody wants to watch a version of The Notebook, Titanic, or A Walk To Remember where the main character doesn’t have at least one love interest! Despite what Hollywood portrays, singleness is not an inferior, drab way of life. Just as an abundance of  growth can occur during a relationship, there are lessons that can be learned only in singleness.

Being single gives a person an amazing opportunity to learn more about themselves, grow spiritually, and identify hidden insecurities and weaknesses. Some of the couples I admire the most are made up of two people who first learned to be content with themselves so that they could better love one another. I’ve seen the impact contentment has on a soul in my own life. There was time when I allowed a part of my worth to be found in the words and actions of one boy. I felt special and flattered by his compliments and then  felt poorly about myself when I was no longer the object of his attention. It created in me a false sense of confidence that was built on a shaky foundation.

Romance is a beautiful, special thing. However, it cannot bring fulfillment, create peace in a turbulent heart, or replace insecurity with confidence. If our happiness is dependent on one person in our lives, no matter how amazing they are, we are bound to be disappointed.

Whatever the phase of my life, I always feel more lonely, insecure, and desperate for the approval of others when I am distant from God. I can’t put into words how healing and life-bringing a relationship with Christ is. When I am immersed in the truth of His Word, and am in the intimacy of His presence, I’m immediately reminded of who I am. I know that I am loved. I know that I have a purpose. I know that I am never, ever alone.

The way we approach and talk about singleness is often influenced by the inclination of our hearts to believe that someone else’s words and actions can add to our value. When we stop believing that lie, we can truly be “happily single”, or at peace through the highs and lows of a relationship. Please remember that a relationship does not make you more special, beautiful, or worthy to be loved. You are already those things.

~ ash 

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14 

Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth. Unknown.