“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all”.

We’ve probably all heard this trite phrase at some point in our lives. Mom has directed it to us with one eyebrow raised, a hand on her hip, and wisdom in her eyes. She reminded us that we should keep our mouths shut rather than say something potentially hurtful. While this innocent, generally well-meaning maxim continues to ring true, my application of it has taken a negative toll on my life.

It’s been several months since I’ve posted a blog. This wasn’t because I became bored or didn’t find the process enjoyable. In fact, there are few things that bring me joy and fulfillment the way writing does. This blog has been such a fun way for me to contemplate, share insights I’m gaining through the “adulting” process, and engage with my amazing friends and family along the way.

But for some reason, over the last few months, I couldn’t bring myself to type. In fact, it almost pained me to even pick up a pen and write in my personal journal. Something that once filled me with energy and zeal now made me feel… uncomfortable.
It was as if the moment I began formulating honest words, I’d come face to face with some painful realities. If I slowed down just long enough to process, I’d have to confront ugliness that was simply easier to avoid. I’d see that I haven’t been the person I like to think I am- the person I want others to see me as.

I want to be viewed as the hardest working, most determined person in the room. I strive to encourage and bring positivity to difficult situations. Demonstrating to my friends and family that I am available and capable is important to me.

So, when I found it difficult to shake off my constant state of exhaustion, I simply kept working. When I noticed that “looking on the bright side” didn’t come as naturally to me, I tried to continue saying the right words. When a friend needed me or wanted to talk, I was there… with an often weary and depleted soul.

Rather than asking myself why I was experiencing these things, I focused on maintaining the parts of myself I could easily control. Why would I want to admit to myself or anyone else that the past few months had taken a toll on me, when I can easily just post the highlights of my life on social media? Because, if I didn’t have anything nice, lovely, and pleasant to share, why share at all?

Yet life is not the way it appears in those little colorful boxes on Instagram. It’s not consistent or always pretty. I can choose to show the fun, lovely moments of my life… which are abundant and so deeply beautiful. But I can simultaneously choose to leave out the difficult pieces. The moments I’ve felt so anxious I can only think about breathing. The messy breakdowns and broken prayers I’ve spoken sitting alone in my car. The difficult conversations I’ve had with friends and family members that rocked me to my core.

However, the problem with neglecting my soul and focusing on “beautifying” the externals, is that the state of my soul inevitably seeps into every facet of my life. No matter how desperately I try to separate the two.

Though it took far too long, I’m beginning to recognize the detrimental effects of my attitude so deeply rooted in pride. I like to quip “I got this” “I’m capable” “I’m a strong independent woman!”

Yet how far from the truth this is. I’m utterly, completely, dependent. I am a pretty horrible caretaker of my soul. I desperately need the all-encompassing, life-bringing, transforming power of God.There are an incredible number of things I do not know, but this I can say with confidence: I’m an utterly different person when I’m allowing God to work in my soul. When I surrender my brokenness to Him. When I leave my ego behind. Authentic care for people, genuine hope, and steady, joyful motivation come from an intimate relationship with my Savior.

My goal through this blog is to share my real, authentic journey of young adulthood in order to encourage others in some way. I understand more clearly now that a seamless journey isn’t reality, and it’s not relatable. We’re all souls experiencing this crazy life together.

Speaking of souls, how’s yours? Have you been too busy to examine it? Are you trying so hard to maintain an image that you’re neglecting the deepest, most important part of yourself? Lovely humans, get to know the state of your soul. Share it, even when it’s not easy. Share it with God, share it with your friends.

I’m confronting and sharing my soul through words. They may be jumbled and a bit embarrassing as I re-read my fervently scribbled handwriting.  They may not come out pretty or pleasant.

And that’s okay.

I’ve tried to clean up my mess before I spoke a word- before I opened myself up. But I think the richest life is found in allowing God to work in the midst of my mess.
~ash

Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me… for when I am weak, then I am strong. ~2 Corinthians 12:9+10

You will keep in perfect peace the mind that is dependent on You… ~Isaiah 26:3